Hey guys. Sorry I’ve been gone for the past few months. I feel like I can be consistent with this whole blogging thing. But writing about positive stuff is just going to be too hard to think of all the time. Especially when I haven’t been feeling too positive lately. I’m still happy but I’m just not super positive anymore I guess? It’s not a bad thing. Just a new thing. So in efforts to keep myself from ghosting on y’all again, I’m going to ask one of my friends to keep me accountable for posting hopefully once a week. At the very least once every two weeks. Um anyways getting to this blogs purpose, I’m going to talk about a more depressing matter. I’m going to write a “letter” of sorts to someone I thought was my best friend. She’ll probably never read this, and that’s okay. To those that know me well will automatically know who I’m talking about. I’m not going to say her name but some of the details I will include will be dead give aways. This is also going to sound really depressing but it kinda is, also the way I’ll type some things will be wonky. It’ll probably sound straight out of someone’s thought journal, with the stereotypical sayings, but hey, just because they’re stereotypical doesn’t mean I don’t feel that exact same way. I also don’t intend for this to be long, but who knows. One last thing before I start, this will not be insulting in anyway, at least that’s not how it should be interpreted. I’m not going to bash on this girl in anyway shape or form although it might seem like it here and there. So without further ado, my “letter” to someone I used to call my best friend.

Dear best friend,

I don’t want to call you a friend because you mean, or used to mean, so much more than just friend. Your title is best friend. I label you as a best friend. Whenever I talk about you I always say “my best friend”. A lot has changed in the past few months. We used to talk everyday, whether it’d be in person or over Face Time. I enjoyed that time so much, we’d  talk for hours just about whatever. One of my favorite memories of us talking was whenever we were both up late. We’d always be up late since both of us are procrastinators. Anyways we’d hop onto Face Time and just talk. It could’ve been over homework or just to talk. I loved that. How we could just talk until 1 or 2 am and not even notice the time go by. You were always my go to. I’d come and talk to you about anything that was on my mind. And vise versa. We’d been best friends ever since I can remember, and you were always my mom’s favorite. She is just as upset with our falling out as I am. She never expected it. And I don’t think falling out is the right term because we never had a fight. I don’t think we ever had a fight. We always just worked so well together. You were always the one I could spent countless consecutive hours with and not get annoyed at. If I spent longer than 48ish hours with someone, I typically got annoyed with them. But never with you, I could never be annoyed by your presence. Anyways we never had a falling out due to a fight. But during the summer and the beginning of this school year (10th grade) we just stopped talking. I’d text you at night asking to talk and you would accept. But after a while, you started to decline. I understood the first couple of times. But soon I didn’t understand why you didn’t want to talk anymore. And you would never say “I don’t want to talk” but you would say something along the lines of “not tonight : ( sorry”. And like I said I understood, but only the first couple of times. There would be nights where I couldn’t wait to get home so I could talk to you about whatever was on my mind. I text you with a smile on my face, “Can we Face Time?” and my heart would be shattered once you declined. You might think I’m exaggerating, but trust me, I’m not. I remember this one time I just got back from Tulsa and I texted you. Sunday, November 19th at 5:06 PM,

“I HAVE SOMETHING EXCITING TO TELL YOU”

you responded “WHAT”

immediately after I responded “CAM YOU FT”, I was so excited I could type correctly.

You said “IM WITH FRIENDS RN!!”. That’s okay and understandable so I replied

“OK LMK WHEN YOU CAN PLS”
“HAVE FUN”

and the conversation ended with “OK!! THANKS”.

You never texted me when you were free. Chances are you forgot. But I was so tired of being the first one texting, first one reaching out, first one to be available to your disposal whenever you wanted. I was so tried of always being first so I decided to see how long it would take for you to respond. So I first counted the hours, then days, then weeks. Unfortunately, I’m still counting. We’re currently at 4 months and 21 days. We’ve texted three times since. But you haven’t brought up what I, at the moment, was dying to tell you. And our three conversations haven’t been entertaining at all, in case you’re wondering. Our next conversation was only 10 days later, but it was me, I sent you pictures of my homework because you said you didn’t know if you did it or not. The next time I Face Timed you just to see if you’d pick up, you declined but texted that you were using the restroom. I know this will sound gross to most of those who even read this, but we would Face Time when we were using the restroom all the time. Anyways I told her its okay we don’t have to Face Time. And then the last time we texted was somewhat recent, February. I texted her that I hope she feels better because one of her friends said she was feeling “deathly sick”. Regardless if she was over exaggerating or not, I wanted to wish her my get wells. And in case you’re wondering. She didn’t text me a happy birthday text. It shouldn’t mean much, but I cried about it, quite a lot too. I mean she did Snapchat text me happy birthday, but it wasn’t until late in the day. I honestly thought she forgot. And I also would’ve preferred at text. I really would’ve preferred a text given that for your birthday I SENT YOU A VIDEO OF ME SAYING HOW MUCH I LOVE AND CARE FOR YOU AND APPRECIATE YOU AS A FRIEND. I SENT YOU A VIDEO! I DIDN’T THINK A TEXT WOULD DO YOUR BIRTHDAY SPEECH JUSTICE I SPOKE IT AND SENT IT TOO YOU. But it doesn’t matter anymore. The worst part was when recently I scrolled through all my text messages with you to find my birthday text from you in 2017. It took me forever to scroll that far up because we used to talk all the time. I was looking for it because I wanted to put your message into my “sweet messages” folder on my phone so when I get sad I could read a message from you. I wanted one from everyone I associated as my best friend. Once I got to January 19th, 2017, I was absolutely heart broken, There was no message from you. I cried probably for an entire hour. Small things add up ya know. It’s currently April 9th 2018. I cry over you a lot. It sucks losing a friend. But the thing is I’m not sure if I technically lost you as a friend, we are just no longer friends because you don’t talk to me. I stopped trying after you did. I really thought you were going to be my friend for life. I mean, can you imagine how fun it’d be to tell our children about stories going back to preschool? That won’t happen now. Even though I grew further away from that you, I have others. I have one really awesome friend I’ve known since 6th grade. She has really been my best friend that I know I deserve. I never feel neglected from her. She is my go to now. She let me cry over Face Time talking about you. I don’t tell her how much I appreciate her enough. Anyways going back to the girl I cry about, you. I’m really upset we’re no longer friends. I used to tell you everything. I’ve never been much of a crier but now I do at least three times a week. Every time I cry now it’s about you. I miss making memories with you, being in your presence, laughing and joking with you, talking with you, and just being able to call you my best friend. I miss those memories so much. I wish I could talk to you about our memories and laugh but now I just think about them late at night and cry about it. I’ve already cried writing this. I don’t like crying. I’m not a crier. No one and nothing can make me cry but you. You really were the one person I thought I’d be friends with forever. I wish I could just be friends with you again, but that time is long gone. Gosh I probably sound so repetitive and everything is so redundant by this point. I don’t know, it’s the only way I can rant. I’ll wrap this up. To my ex but not ex best friend, thank you for those 11 1/2 years of solid friendship. 11 1/2 years of constant laughter, love, and talking. I’ll always remember all the little things about you. One being Little Things is one of your favorite One Direction song. And Niall Horan is your favorite One Direction member. But I’ll remember all the secrets you’ve ever trusted me with. I remember how one time in 4th grade you were in the newspaper for golf. I remember all the crushes you’ve ever had, starting with the boy we both thought was cute in pre-k. I remember how much you had to cover for your older sister. I remember how much you cared for your family but especially how close you are with your sister. I remember all your insecurities you shared with me. I remember how much you stressed about your grades. I remember your funny, sweet, honest, authentic, genuine, respectful, humble, and loving personality, I will never forget that. I remember so much about you, but unfortunately it doesn’t matter much anymore. You were a really great friend and I have only one complaint. And if you ever happen to read this, it’ll be pretty obvious. And even though I don’t talk to/with you anymore, I always talk about you. To my closest friends, I talk about how much I miss you. My urge to talk to you has even translated to social media. I have a twitter that is private. No one knows what the account name is and I don’t tell anyone. It’s for me and only me. There I rant. I do it to get my sad thoughts out. I don’t want to yell at someone because I’m thinking of our memories. So I send them out. No one knows who I am or who I’m talking about. For that one person that does occasionally like my tweets, they just know I’m hurting. Anyways the memories we’ve made will always be held close to my heart. I’m glad you have other best friends. They better treat you well, and I guess I’m sorry I didn’t do a good enough job at being a friend. Don’t worry about me, even though I doubt the thought ever crossed your mind. I’m doing fine, I still think about you every day. And the worst part and that no matter how many times I talk about this or write about this, it will constantly hurt me. I’ll constantly think about what was our friendship and how sad I get every time I think about it. But luckily I have one truly exceptional friend to make feel special each and every day. I hope you have at least one friend that makes you feel the same way.

Love, Diana.