Ciao my bellas. This blog feels so vulnerable despite the fact that I know only one person will see this, hey Anna. That’s my best friend and shes the BEST. She’s been subscribed to this newsletter since I started this blog in 2016/17? Unsure, jury is still out. Anyways, I think of this blog a lot. Its a little time capsule for myself that is much easier to access than my journal, which I also love. However, the last couple of weeks have been pretty rough for the mental. Recently I started to think of my younger self and felt like I couldn’t really remember much of my feelings and emotions from those times.

I’m not sure if everyone feels this way; having a good reliable sense of objective memory but without the emotional perspective to connect it with. I can give you a timeline of what I was like, what I was interested with, and who I was friends with. I can even tell you specific stories and funny anecdotes, but feelings tethered to those memories? Not strongly. Yeah there’s a few here and there, but those were bigger moments, namely when I messed up. So I thought, how can I understand the mind of younger me? And viola, my blog came to mind.

So I read back through my blog, I read a mother’s day letter I wrote to my mom (and cried), read ten fun facts about myself from 8 or so years ago (some of which still stand true), and read my most recent post about my panic attack from a few months ago. Most of my posts started with some blabber about procrastinating, and I hope y’all know nothing has changed there either. I’m sitting in the same room I was 3 and a half hours ago looking at the same homework that I’ve barely made a dent into and definitely could be doing right now. It was honestly kind of nice, and is subsequently encouraging me to keep posting more.

This blog post started out with many different intros, all deleted and taken back to the drafting table. None of them seemed right to write about, not right now at least. Perhaps I need a breather between my last post and another not so light-hearted post. However, I will offer up my list of ideas. This doubles as an accountability list because I will certainly forget or get insecure and think its too vulnerable, despite the fact that its just you and I Anna and nothing will be too much for me to share with you. My list is as follows:

• Grad School
• Feeling alone while being around friends
• Where I will be in a year
• My three high school best friends
• Fears (commenting on a draft I have from 2019)
• Therapy! (I am taking the first steps to seeing a therapist this week)
• A vacation?
• My first full-time job (manifesting)
• A recipe I am proud of 🙂
• My mom retiring out of the state I know as home

That’s a pretty long list and its likely I’ll only end up writing a few. But this blogging thing is nice and maybe this can be one of the ways I relax when school has me stressed out or I’m feeling depressed. Even though I’m going to have to catch up on some homework with the time I spent on this, it doesn’t feel like time wasted at all. When I first started to write this I put on music and quickly decided that felt wrong. It has just been me and my thoughts for the last 20 or so minutes, and it’s been nice for once. To be with just my thoughts and not feel anxious or dreadful.

Anyways, that last bit was too much information. Hopefully you hear from me soon!

Love,
Diana